Translator: Jay Allen
As part of Unseen Japan’s mission to bring unique voices on critical social and cultural issues from Japanese into English, we are pleased to offer the following essay from author Shonen A, with permission of the author. It originally ran on the site Note.mu under the title “The Pain of the Gay Man Who Thought Women Had It Good, Then Used a Dating App as a Women,” and was a breakout hit on Twitter, where it’s earned over 13,000 likes and almost 9,000 shares to date.
I’m a man in my 30s. I’m also gay. (At one time I thought, I’m not gay, but now that’s how I identify.)
In my 20s, I worked as part of the cast at a so-called gay brothel.
Back then, I kept spinning hard on a single thought.
I kept thinking: “Women have it made, huh?”
- They get pampered by guys (I’m a hottie, I want them coming on to me too)
- No one expects much of them at work (sounds sweet)
- They earn more at soaplands than at a gay brothel for the same sort of work (jelly)
- Women who aren’t confident in their looks can apply makeup, but men have to get plastic surgery (confession: I’ve done it)
- In the end, they can choose to get married (and not work)
I was so convinced that women had it good that I wanted to quit my gender. It’s not that I wanted to become a woman; I was just sick of being a dude.
My physical and mental health nosedived after that, so I quit the sex industry. My household finances weren’t exactly stable, but I wanted to get plastic surgery one more time.
That’s how I stumbled onto a job where I could earn big bucks while also undergoing surgery.
A dating site decoy.
The work entails acting as a female user on dating sites and apps, and enticing men to buy points.
While that’s not illegal, I can’t deny this sort of job falls into a “grey zone.” Truth be told, this incident’s a black mark on my history, and I’m keenly aware I’m the last person with the right to lecture anyone on anything.
And yet, this work brought about a revolutionary change in my consciousness.
I’d thought, “Women have it made, huh?”
But when, in lieu of introductions, I think of the many men who sexually harassed me, put me down, judged my sex appeal, or chided me…for the first time, I realized how many men don’t see women as members of the same species.
I’ll give you some particularly awful examples.
Customer Conversation Example: “Abuse and Sexual Harassment Are The Norm” Edition
Asking me my breast size sans any greeting
⇒ Getting angry if I reply, “How long’s your dick?”
Suddenly calling me “yo bitch”
⇒ Getting angry if I call them “yo bitch” back
Getting called “old hag” If I mark myself over age 30 in my settings
⇒ Getting angry if I point out I’m older than them
Being told, “if we hook up, cook for me”
⇒ Getting angry if I note that eating out is normal on first dates
Customer Conversation Example: “In Sex, Men Are Usually Right” Edition
“Get naked, I wanna do it”
⇒ Getting angry if I tell them I’m not a sex worker
“Make my dick hard”
⇒ Getting angry if I reply, “You can’t get it up yourself?”
“I’m gonna cum soon – that’s cool, right?”
⇒ Getting angry if I ask if they can chill a bit
“It’s on you whether I feel good or not”
⇒ Getting angry if I shoot back, “That depends on your skill…”
Customer Conversation Example: “Irrational Thinking” Edition
“I’m a good earner but I want a girlfriend, so let me do you”
⇒ Getting angry when I say, “Isn’t that a sex friend?”
“We don’t need to use protection”
⇒ Getting angry when I ask, “Why do you think that way?”
“I’ll take responsibility, so let me do you bareback”
⇒ Getting angry when I ask, “Do you think ‘taking responsibility’ is just about money?”
“Let me do you bareback – I’m not on the hook, though”
⇒ …for some reason, they’re just angry from the get-go.
Breaking The Curse
Yeah. Awful, huh?
What’s worse is that this isn’t the story of a single awful dude. It’s the vast majority of them.
There are dating sites mainly about sex, and sure, starting off with sexual content on such sites is to be expected, but you won’t find such a crowd of bores on similar types of gay apps (I mean, it’s possible I’m just not handsome enough to attract people (ha)). Maybe that’s because the people selecting you for sex are also being selected by you, a partner of the same sex. In other words, even if sex isn’t the main objective, there are so many male users hanging out that it’s not just conversations about sex.
If men didn’t think that “woman = lesser being” (like some sort of Fleshlight that cooks), there’s no way they could talk to women like this.
Naturally, this is the story of one man who used a dating site, and I have no intention of labeling all Japanese men. But it’s a fact that there’s a set number of men who substitute sexual harassment and prejudice for a proper greeting, and it’s hard to deny that there’s a kind of permissive atmosphere towards such harassment. And I think that’s because what I once thought of as “women’s advantages” can easily become things that women are forced to endure.
Getting pampered by men
⇒ Most men see women, not as human beings with will, but as sexual objects
No one expects much of them at work
⇒ Women can’t be involved in important matters
They earn more at soaplands than at a gay brothel for the same sort of work
⇒ There’s no comparison when you think about the physical risk from violent customers, and earning lots of money with your body = you’re more likely to be sexually exploited
Women who aren’t confident in their looks can apply makeup, but men have to get plastic surgery
⇒ “Men can’t wear makeup” is a curse created by men themselves, who’ve deemed it “homo”
In the end, they can choose to get married
⇒ A society where women can’t become involved in important issues carries the risk that women will lose their right to speak and their freedom when their source of income is cut off
After realizing this, I quit saying, “Women have it made.”
Being gay means being a human being who couldn’t cross the threshold of “manliness” demanded by our society. I’d decided that the reason I’d joined a brothel was because I’d been raised by a single mother with no money. My father found a lover and left us without paying any money, and I grew up watching my deserted mother work herself to death while being criticized by our relatives and other people.
At some point, the pain I felt in such a harsh life transformed into this weak hate I expressed with “women have it easy.”
But that pain was a curse laid by none other than men themselves, and it was nothing but the manifestation of turning away from my mother – the person nearest me who suffered most from that curse.
Despite that, I’ve no intention of saying that I pity women. Because I also feel that anger that gay people feel whenever they hear the word “pity.”
I’ll just say this.
From here on out, men must stop passing on this curse they’ve inherited from men.
To women. And to themselves as well.
